The Fully Customizable, Eminently Practical, Outstandingly Portable, 100% FREE (And Only Slightly OCD) Man-Purse Organization Protocol

A Messenger Bag organized using the Man-Purse Organization Protocol

When I told my wife that I had decided to succumb to trendy temptation and buy a man-purse (i.e. “messenger bag”), she asked me two questions:

1) “What are you going to put in it?” My response was something to the effect of, “Well, you know, stuff that I need to carry around.”

and

2) “What about your briefcase?” The briefcase in question is a sleek and moderately expensive number in black ballistic nylon that I had specifically requested as a birthday present several years ago. Since it was from my wife that I had requested this gift, I had to respond to this inquiry with the level of tact and precision usually reserved for international diplomacy. “The briefcase is perfect for business,” I said, “I love taking it to meetings. But it’s too formal – too nice – to carry around everywhere.”

After I had thus satisfied my wife, I found myself pondering these issues in greater depth. Ultimately, I realized that the appeal – at least to me – of a man-purse lay in the answers to these deceptively simple questions.

First of all, on the vs. briefcase issue, the simplest explanation is that a briefcase represents work, while the romantically-named messenger bag seems intrinsically personal. To put a notebook into a briefcase is to prepare for the stress and ennui of note-taking during business meetings. To put a notebook into a messenger bag is to prepare to jot down whatever creative whimsy or pearls of wisdom might occur to one during a period of freedom from the tyranny of the time-clock. The same goes for any article which disappears into the welcoming yin of the man-purse.

Which brings me to the subject of the other question: What does – or, more properly, what should – a man store in his man-purse? Does the inherently libertine and unavoidably trendy nature of the messenger bag require – for the sake of artistic symmetry and consistency – that it be populated by Moleskine journals, Apple products, fountain pens, and distressed leather sachets containing essential oils? To this train of thought, every fiber of my being silently screamed, “No!”

Just as the container itself represents freedom, its contents should express individuality, freed from the dictates of metrosexual influence brokers and the wares they peddle. Should I reject the tyranny of the military-industrial complex (symbolized by the briefcase) only to embrace the shackles of fashion? I think not. Exhausted by my mental efforts, I fell asleep.

Awakening spontaneously a few hours later, I had the answer to my conundrum foremost in my thoughts. Placed there, clearly, by my always clever and occasionally helpful subconscious. The answer consisted of only two words, but those two words were laden with such nigh-unplumbable depths of meaning that they staggered me into full wakefulness. The two words: manila envelopes.

Genius. I could never take credit for such clarity of insight. Either I saw something similar somewhere and had forgotten about it, or some spark of the Divine touched my slumbering brain with a precious moment of illumination. Manila envelopes. Of course! Herewith follows my reasoning.

1) The messenger bag was ostensibly designed to hold messages (I like to imagine that the ancestors of the bag I now possess were once stuffed full of secret, often perfumed missives clad in parchment sheaths secured by monogrammed wax seals), so by using it to hold daily necessities neatly stored in brass-clasped envelopes, form follows function – and historical precedent – perfectly.

2) By co-opting the implements of the wage-slave – the tools issued by The Man, if you will – for personal use, we follow a long line of freedom fighters who have used the symbols of their oppression to communicate their independence.

3) By rejecting overpriced, pretentious personal articles in favor of humble, inexpensive office supplies, we not only save money, we take advantage of the 150 years of industrial design that has given us the most efficient ways possible to sort and separate items, while keeping them quickly accessible.

4) A manila-envelope based system of man-purse organization is not only cheap, easy and incredibly effective, it can be customized for each individual user, with ridiculous ease, by the simple expedient of labeling your own envelopes as you see fit, and then putting into them whatever you choose.

Before I conclude, I’d like to digress for a moment to discuss some alternatives to the slightly pejorative term “man-purse” (or the only slightly less unappealing variant: “man-bag”).

A college friend always referred to his as “my sack.” Whenever he said this, he would exaggerate the “a,” so that it would sound like, “my saaahck.” I don’t know why, but this was always hilarious. Certainly the term, “sack” makes up in masculinity and ruggedness what it lacks in precision and gentility.

Alternately, fans of Douglas Adams’ “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” series may remember that the character of Ford Prefect carried his Guide, Hitching Thumb, towel and other items in what was described as his “satchel” – an outstandingly ambiguous term with a bit of old-world flavor to it. If you don’t mind the subtle whiff of snobbery that any distinctly British term brings with it to the States, “satchel” could certainly replace “sack,” “messenger bag” or “man-purse” in normal conversation. Indeed, it is in honor of the late, great Douglas Adams (and because I’ve found his advice extremely useful) that I include a towel in my satchel. The humble towel has the distinction of being referred to as the single most useful item in the known Universe.

When brevity trumps wit, of course, the flaccid and utterly unevocative term, “bag,” is understood by all, and – although frequently used by women as an abbreviation for “handbag” – it is not particularly feminine, and could certainly be short-hand for “messenger bag.”

To resume the main topic of this essay, I’d like to offer the following tips:

1. Somewhere in your sack, store a list of what you’re carrying around, with an indication of remaining inventory, to be updated upon each use. This will bring the system to peak efficiency, as you will be able to replenish your stores of supplies on a weekly or monthly basis, without having to rummage through each envelope to remember what you’ve used up.

2. I find the 6”x9” envelopes to be the optimal size. They will hold a map, diaper, etc., without crumpling around the edges and cluttering up your satchel.

3. While the clasps are helpful to contain small, relatively infrequently required items like Band Aids, it can become annoying to repeatedly clasp and unclasp a frequently-accessed envelope. So, don’t! If you give the flap a nice firm crease, it should stay closed under normal circumstances.

As a final illustrative point, I will conclude with before & after photographs showing the exact same items with and without the gentle yet firm guidance of manila envelopes. (By the way, I do realize that the envelopes in question are not “manila,” they are actually “brown kraft”. However, I like the way “manila envelope” sounds, and reserve literary license to refer to them as such.)

Loose items

Loose items in man-purse

Items in envelopes.

A Messenger Bag organized using the Man-Purse Organization Protocol

Here, then, is a list of the contents of my man-purse. I present this list purely as a point of departure for your own quest to be perfectly prepared and impeccably organized.

ITEMS NOT IN ENVELOPES

Notebook

Pens & Pencils

Towel

Bottle of Water (in side pocket)

Camera

ENVELOPES

Emergency & First Aid

• Flexible Fabric Knuckle Band Aid: 2
• Flexible Fabrix XL Band Aid: 2
• Flexible Fabric Fingertip Band Aid: 2
• Flexible Fabric Band Aid: 10
• Neosporin Ointment Packet: 1

Personal Care

• Hand Sanitizer: 1 bottle
• Wet Wipes: 5
• Kleenex: 1 package
• Nail Clippers
• Toothbrush

Baby Needs

• Ziploc Bag of Baby Wipes
• Diapers: 2

Snacks

• Granola Bar: 2
• Fruit Roll-Ups: 4

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